Foreigner Friendly Soapland Tokyo: I tried (and failed) so you don’t have to

Japanese Only.

That’s it. That’s the article.

Just kidding. But seriously, if you are a foreigner trying to walk into a soapland in Tokyo, that is the only phrase you are going to hear. I heard it five times last Saturday. Five. Times.

I was so mad I actually kicked one of those little salt piles they put outside the door for good luck. (Sorry, random shop owner. I owe you a salt pile).

The reality check

Here is exactly what happened. I put on my best shirt. I went to the ATM and pulled out 60,000 yen. I felt rich. I walked into the main street of Yoshiwara—you know, the one with the big willow tree and all the expensive cars driving by—and I walked up to a shop that looked cool.

The guy at the door didn’t even look at my face. He looked at my shoes (sneakers) and then waved his hand like he was swatting a fly. “No English services,” he said.

I tried to argue. “I know the rules!” I said. Doesn’t matter.

They don’t care about your money. They care about not getting shut down by the cops because a tourist did something stupid inside.

I ended up eating a Famichiki in the rain

So there I was. 11 PM. Raining. Eating a greasy chicken from FamilyMart and feeling like a total loser. I watched other guys walk into shops—Japanese guys—and getting welcomed with bows.

It stung.

But then I remembered I had a smartphone. Duh.

How I actually got in (The Cheat Code)

I stopped walking. I went to a cafe, sat down, and searched for “foreigner friendly booking.” Most of the sites were trash. Broken links. Weird virus warnings.

But then I found Tokyo Escort OTOME.

It looked… normal? I clicked a girl’s profile. I clicked “Book.” I put in my info.

And it just worked.

I walked to the address they gave me (it was like 5 minutes away). I was sweating, thinking they would turn me away at the door again.

Nope. The staff smiled. “Mr. Smith?” (Not my real name, obviously). “Right this way.”

I almost cried. Okay, I didn’t cry. But I was relieved.

My advice? Stop walking.

If you are reading this, you are probably planning to go to Yoshiwara or Kabukicho. You are visualizing yourself walking into a shop like a boss.

Don’t.

You will just get tired. You will get rejected. You might get scammed by a Nigerian tout in Kabukicho (seriously, run from those guys).

Just use the internet, man. Use OTOME or whatever else works. But secure the booking before you leave your hotel.

Random tips if you go

• Shower. I cannot stress this enough. If you smell bad, they will talk about you.
• Be polite. Say “Arigato.” Bow a little. It goes a long way.
• Don’t be weird. It’s a bathhouse, not a porn set. Chill out.

Anyway, that’s my story. I kicked a salt pile, ate a chicken, and eventually got laid. Good luck out there.

(Disclaimer: Don’t break the law. Stay safe. Don’t kick salt piles.)

Disclaimer: This is for info only. Follow the laws. Don’t be an idiot.